Nothing to Say

December 29?? Really?? That was my last post? I knew I was bad, but I didn't know I was that bad... If you're still reading, I'm sorry! And if you're not, I have nothing to say to you, because you're not reading this.

In case you couldn't tell from the title, I have nothing to say. Which is maybe why it's taken me so long to return to this blog. There are times in my life when God is so near, and I feel Him so powerfully, that it seems that I could write about Him all day long. And even when I don't, I could write about Him, but you've probably heard everything I have to say already. There are just times in my life when new insight, new ideas, don't occur to me.

Sometimes that's how I feel when I pray. I stand before God, amazed that the Creator of the entire universe would want to talk to me -- me!! Poor little Kendall down here!! -- and I can't think of anything to say. What can I say that hasn't been spoken a thousand times before? What new song can I bring to a God who wrote nature's melody? What can I thank Him for that hasn't been praised a million times over, and a million times again?

You know what I figured out as I'm writing this? He doesn't care. He doesn't want my creativity. He just wants to be near me. Sure, he's heard the story a million times before; He already knows everything that happened in my day, all my struggles, all the prayers I didn't even know I was praying; but He still wants me to tell Him, because He wants to draw close to me. He wants to pull me up on His lap and listen while I cry on His shoulder, or laugh and dance in His arms.

So, even though I had nothing to say, here I've written a complete entry. Because when we come to God, He will never leave us empty without a new revelation, without a new assurance from Him. His mercies are new every morning. And even when you're speechless, He's so awesome that you'll find something to say.

Enough

I have abandoned this little blog for far too long, and for that I am sorry. I would not blame you if you had stopped reading. But I want to tell you about something that has filled my life this year, more than any other year before. I want to tell you that I have changed in a powerful way. I want to tell you that every night, when I pen the words Be near to me in my journal, my prayer is answered.

The presence of Jesus Christ has been more apparent in my life than I can ever remember it having been. You know that emptiness you feel after Christmas because the big event is over, and everything is back to normal? I had none of it this year. And it was this small thing that made me realize how much I have changed this year.

I began my school year terrified, as I always do. I have such a difficult time in school. For the most part, I can manage A's, and I have a solid group of friends. But not one of them is a Christian the way I strive to be a Christian. God isn't their obsession, as I want it to be mine. So I have always felt that I gradually drift away from God until His absence is too painful to bear.

Not this year. This year, I woke every morning and spent five minutes -- just five! -- with God. At the end of every morning entry, I wrote, I choose to see You, really meaning it. It has made an astounding difference. Having Him as the first thing on your mind in the morning is incredible. It infuses such a joy and peace throughout your day. Even though this has been, hands-down, my most challenging year both academically and personally, I feel it has been my best year yet. Every day, I am changing, but not to focus on more worldly things. Every moment in class, I could raise my hand and answer with, "That's because Jesus..." I feel Him so acutely, so deeply, I wish I could just reach through the computer screen with a prettily wrapped box that has that feeling inside so that you could understand what I'm talking about!

Every time I needed Him, He was there. Every time I felt I couldn't go on, He stepped in and carried me. He has been enough this year. I may have wanted more. I may have not wanted to cry as much, not wanted that teacher to say those hurtful things, not wanted friends to leave and not wanted to be humbled so dramatically. But God knew I needed each of those things to hurt -- to hurt, but not harm, so that I would keep coming back to Him. If everything had gone my way, would I have kept on returning? Or would I have simply depended on my own strength? I shudder to think what would have happened if I had abandoned the God I love for my own power.

Oh, and I can give you that box. It's not prettily wrapped. But I don't have to reach through the computer screen to give it to you. It's wrapped in flesh, bathed in dirt, and eventually, covered in blood. It's not a pretty sight. But it is everything you will ever need. It is enough for me. Will He be enough for you?

Gloria

Last night was my fall dance recital. Our class was dancing to "More Wonderful" by Aaron Shust. It's a very worshipful song, speaking all about how undeservedly amazing God has been to us. But as I was dancing it, I wasn't thinking about God at all. Every once in a while I would throw in a "God, You've been good!" thought. But He was not the sole focus of my dance. I was thinking about choreography. I was thinking about making sure I wasn't hyperventilating. All of these are important -- but afterward, I didn't have the same rush that usually comes from dancing. I felt flat and empty, like I had expended energy for nothing.

I was sitting with my class, twelve six- to eight-year-old girls, thinking about this as I watched the rest of the performance. The experience echoed what I've been going through for the past few weeks. I've been spending time with God, but I haven't truly been feeling Him. And I was so frustrated. I wasn't being touched by any of the dances as I usually was. So I stared asking questions: "Why am I not feeling You, God? Why am I so empty? What do I have to do to hear You?"

The answer came so quickly, so clearly, that I wonder even now if I imagined it: Ask.

So I did. Watching the little baby class, who spend most of their time waving at their parents and telling each other what to do, I told Him, "I want to feel You!"

And I did. The words Junior Asparagus was singing went straight to my heart, and I realized how close God is to me, even when I don't feel Him. And all of a sudden, I was crying, experiencing the closeness of God so deeply, so freshly, so strongly.

By the time we reached the final dance, which all the classes participate in, my heart was singing. I will never forget how it felt to dance that final dance. I felt so alive, so beautiful, and so close to God that it's impossible to forget.

Has God been feeling distant lately? Has His embrace become so common that you don't even feel it anymore? Ask Him for it again. Ask Him to hold you tighter. He may push you out on a limb and ask you to trust Him so that you can see once again how great He is and how much He loves you. Because He does love you. And He wants to be near to you.

A Joyless Generation

Earlier this week, sitting in my literature class, we started discussing whether or not chasing happiness is futile. Is joy merely a phantom? Is euphoria, or temporary and fleeting pleasure, all we can expect until circumstances rob us of our happiness?

One young woman, for whom I have been praying earnestly, ended a long, sad story about the impossibility of happiness by saying, “Life is disappointment after disappointment after disappointment, and that’s all we can expect from it.”

Sadly, many of my classmates agreed with her. My eyes filled with tears as I studied the girl’s face, so proud of the popularity of her point, but with another emotion hidden behind dark, intelligent eyes: a stifling hopelessness.

I had to bite my lip to keep from blurting out, “Joy is not a phantom! It doesn’t have to slip out of your grasp just as you seem to reach it. It doesn’t have to be just around the corner. It can be right now, whatever your circumstances. Even if the entire world falls, you can still have joy!”

If I had told them, how many would have believed me? How many would have wanted to know about the hope I have in Christ? How many would have cynically written off my declaration as “acting happy”, but not being truly joyful? Would the teacher have understood? Would she have cut me off and said, “Let’s stay within the realm of the text,” as she has so many times before?

I’ll never know. My mouth remained closed, my eyes brimming as I listened to high school students who believe they will never, ever be happy.

But how can I keep quiet when there is so much hopelessness in these students? What does it matter if it’s relevant to the text? What does it matter if the author never mentioned God – why can’t I? God is relevant to everything, and I am getting so frustrated with being forced to keep quiet. With being cut off. With being told that my point doesn’t apply. It makes me want to cry, and I do cry. How can I not cry for a broken world who may never be given the chance to hear the Word of God, because those who would speak up are told to be quiet? When did God’s Name become taboo?

God blessed me in spite of my silence, and He gave me the opportunity to talk with this girl about how God delights in us, quiets us with His love, and will hold our hand and walk with us through everything we go through. I did it in an academically-related context, so she wouldn’t feel threatened, or feel that I was preaching to her. But if I could have without frightening her away, I would have cried with her and told her that her circumstances are nothing compared to God’s mighty power.

If I could have, if I could have spoken uninterrupted, I would have told my class that “with [God] is the fountain of life; in [His] light we see light” (Psalm 36:9). Meaning no matter the darkness that surrounds us, in God’s bright light, in His radiance, light will shine into our circumstances. I would have shared that, “When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy” (Psalm 94:19). That the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, and peace. And I would have told them that there is a God who is willing to take their hand, and show them beauty from pain.

I would ask, I would plead with you, that you would be praying fervently for two things: First, for the courage of the Christians in public places to be unafraid to speak their mind, and to share Christ with a lost and dying world. For He called all to be with Him. He chose each and every one of us when we were created. He’s waiting for the world to choose Him. And secondly, please pray for our generation. Pray for those who believe happiness is something unattainable, that will be approached, but never reached. Pray for a hope to be planted in their hearts. And pray for the circumstances they are in, that make them think this way, to be redeemed, that they would be the means of drawing these people to Christ.

“Let him bury his face in the dust – there may yet be hope.” (Lamentations 3:29)

Everyday Beautiful

I've envied her my whole life. Peaches and cream complexion. A round face framed by light brown hair that glows golden when the sun shines on it. A nose that's not too big, not too small, and slightly turned up just at the tip. Deep brown eyes and thick, long lashes.

Of course, I'm talking about myself. Myself on a good day. Myself, the way I look about once a year, and usually on a day that nobody sees me but my family.

I don't really mind the way I look on a daily basis. That's not what this entry is about. It's just that about once a year, I look in the mirror and understand that at that moment, I am beautiful. And I don't get that feeling every day.

I've envied her my whole life. Quiet and respectful, but not afraid to speak up for what's right. Gentle and considerate of everyone she sees. A smile for everyone, no matter how odious. A girl with a deep, abiding peace and joy that overflows onto the people around her.

That's me, too. On a good day. Once a year. Usually with no one but my family around to see how completely in love with God I am at the moment.

And I do have a problem with not being that way every day.

The Bible says God never leaves us or forsakes us. If that's the case, why do we sometimes act like He's not around? Why do we doubt His presence, or ignore His commands?

I think it's because we walk away from Him. Something else captures our attention. We see something we want, are distracted by something shiny, and we forget we have a marvelous, amazing, adoring God who wants to hold our hand and walk with us. We simply turn and are no longer basking in His glory. The Son is no longer shining in our hearts.

And how do we fix it? Jeremiah tells us that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. So let us draw near to Him. Even when we don't want to, and something else seems better, realize that it's not. Jesus is the only thing we need. He is beautiful every day. He always wants to be near us.

So let us fall more and more in love with Him! Pray for a deeper adoration of Christ. A pure and holy passion, a magnificent obsession with Him. And the more you learn of Him, I promise -- the more you will want more of Him. And from Him shines a beauty that does not fade. That is visible every day.

Jesus does not work in our lives on just one day a year. He is there every day. He will make you beautiful every day. Just ask Him to.

When Thou Saidst

I have a strong, severe, crippling fear of going back to school. Not because I'm afraid of the work. Not because I don't like getting up early (though I don't). The reason I am afraid of going back to school is that I'm terrified I will lose God in the hustle and bustle.

It's happened the past few years. Each day, I get so caught up in assignments and friends and the drama that comes along with high school, that I forget to pray. I drift farther and farther away from God every day, until I sink into depression. And to be excruciatingly honest, that depression almost made me into a cutter one year.

I do not want that to happen this year.

I have been praying with all my heart that I would never let go of God's hand. And when I do, I'm praying He'll still hold mine, and pull me back. I'm praying that I would feel His love so keenly, so wonderfully, that I would never be able to walk away. That every moment of every day would be spent with Him. That I wouldn't drift. That...

Okay, so I've been praying so hard that it seems almost impossible I could forget to pray again. But it's happened before. So I'm going to start a new routine, start getting some accountability, and making everything in my world revolve around my relationship with God -- instead of my relationship with Him depending on what's happening in my world.

He formed the stars. He shaped the mountains. He holds the entire world in His hands -- He can hold me.

Psalm 27:8 declares, "When thou saidst, 'Seek ye my face'; my heart said unto thee, 'Thy face, LORD, will I seek.'" I will begin every day by choosing to see God at work. I will begin every day with a prayer. I will walk with God through my day, and end it with Him. This is my declaration, my earnest cry to God.

Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

A Justified God

John Milton, the author of Paradise Lost, wrote that his goal in writing this epic poem was to "justify the ways of God to man."

Guess what. God didn't need Milton's help to be justified. God doesn't need anyone's help to justify Him. He can do it just fine on His own.

Last night, I had a little run-in with God. I read something in Scripture that I believed contradicted what I thought God's nature was. My journal was filled with angry ramblings, such as, "If that's who You are, I don't want to serve a God like that." My journal entry ended with tears and a demand that God justify Himself to me.

Don't ever ask Him to do that unless you really, truly want Him to.

This morning, I was going about my everyday activities, putting ice in a glass for my water and getting ready to make a birthday cake. And my mom turned on an online sermon. With my hand in the freezer, the rest of me froze as I heard the pastor address the specific question I'd had. I felt all tingly as he explained, pointing the listener back to an all-knowing, all-loving God.

Of course, it was the pastor talking, but I knew that God was talking directly to me. What made my mom turn on that teaching this morning? She almost never listens to this man unless we're having home church. Was it pure coincidence that I was in the kitchen this morning because I had a cake to make? I think not!

I've heard stories of people asking God to prove Himself, and His response. I experienced that this morning. God justified Himself. He didn't ask me to do it for Him. He spoke through somebody I've never even met. I could've jumped around and shouted and danced for joy, because in that moment I was more certain than I have ever been, He is good! He answers prayer! He is real! And I can never forget that.

Don't flippantly ask Him to justify Himself. If you don't need Him justified in a certain way, what's the point of asking? But the next time you have a huge question about Him, and about His goodness and love and omnipotence, go ahead and ask Him. He can take it. And He will amaze you with His response.

Unconditional Obedience

Recently, I have been spending much more time with God. I wake up and read a Psalm in the morning, then journal my thoughts; at night, I do the same with a chapter from Romans. I have loved these times so much, that I wonder why I never did it before. It refreshes me so much to spend time with God! My prayer journal is quickly filling, much more rapidly than it ever has before.

And something that I've been discovering while God reveals His wishes to me, is that there can be no "but"s in our prayers. "I love You, Lord, but..." "I surrender, God, but..." "Have Your way, but not with..." I reread an entry in which I had penned the words, "I choose You, God, but..." But what? But my way is better? I think not! "I choose You, no matter what!" That should have been my prayer, my declaration.

I have been asking God what He wants me to do with my life. And I think He's told me. I can't tell you how I know. But as I was praying, listening to music, and reading both the Bible and a Christian book, I knew what I was supposed to do. And I'm pretty sure this dream comes from God and not my own selfish desires, because it is the exact profession about which I told my parents, not more than a month ago, "I will never do that." When it first came to me, that was my response again. I came to God with all my excuses: "But I'm not strong enough. But my heart can't take that. But I'll fail. But I'll let You down."

And He replied, "Yes, you will. You will fail without Me. But I am greater than you, and I will carry you."

And somehow, that odious profession is now incredibly near and dear to my heart. First, though, I had to lay down my will. I had to give up my dreams for God's dreams. Unconditionally. No, "Here's my will, but don't change my mind about what I want to do. I'd like to handle that part, please." No, "I give You all of me...but don't make me do that." Just, "I choose You."

Will you choose Him today? Will you give up your will for His, even if it means shattering dreams that have been near to your heart for years? Will you exchange your plan and the life you wanted for the life He wants? He won't let you walk blindly. He'll take your hand, and when you're too weak, He'll carry you. He promises us unconditional love; let's give Him unconditional obedience.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." -Psalm 48:14

The God Who Hears

Every day, people in Japan gather at Miyajima Island to worship and to pray. As they worship, they bow to someone who is not there. When they pray, they pray to a nonexistent deity. Or they pay to pray by writing their request, taking a number, and opening a drawer that contains their answer. Then they tie the prayer to a rail, where they hope that their purchased answer will come to pass.

Can you imagine anything more heartbreaking?

The people of Japan are broken, are dying, and they need a hero and a Savior. They know that something is missing, and they long to fill that void. They search, they beg, they pray -- but they pray to wood and stone, or to the empty air. They give up their money to write out a prayer to someone who will never hear them. They bow to an empty room, cry to someone who cannot dry their tears.

My heart breaks for these people like nothing I've ever felt before. They long to be filled, yet they are faced with emptiness. The evil one works in the hearts of the Japanese, trying to claim them for his own. But there is One who can draw them to Him. There is One who hears when they cry out, One who cries when they cry. He longs to fill them. He longs to be their everything. He wants them to know that if they pray to Him, their prayers will not be in vain. Talking with Him is not something that can be purchased. His answers don't come in a numbered drawer that is selected at random. His responses are personalized, they are special, they are for the person who prays. They are part of His plan. He doesn't need them to be tied to a rail so that He can hear them. He just needs them to be spoken to Him so that He can step in and answer. He wants to hear them so much. He wants them to feel His love.

Our God hears the people of Japan! His heart breaks when they look for fulfillment from an idol. He weeps when an island, which is the tiniest fraction of His beauty, is proclaimed a deity. He wants them to know, He is the Lord! He can fill them, He can love them!

He is God, the only God who hears. He is the only One who can answer. And I long for everyone to know that. They may be filled with something when they worship a false god, but it will not be the all-consuming love of God. It is not what they need; it is not from the Lord. It will leave them. God will never fail them, never abandon them.

Please join me in my pleading for the Japanese people. Pray for the few Christians -- less than 1% of the population -- in Japan. Lord, give them boldness to proclaim You. Let the hearts of those throughout the world desire to share Your love. Let them know that You are the God who hears. Speak through us, Lord, and let the whole world know Your glory!

A Hope and a Future

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

That is a verse that every dreamer clings to. And nearly everyone I know around my age is a dreamer. We all want to know the plans God has for us, and when we can't see them or understand them, that verse is a precious comfort. We know that no matter what, He will do what is best for us. All we have to do is follow where He leads.

But that's a problem for me. How do I know where God is leading? What am I supposed to do with my life? I read His Word, and I listen to the council of those around me, but I still sometimes feel that I'm walking in a dark room with just an occasional glimpse a few feet ahead of me.

Entering my junior year, I'm beginning to be required to make decisions about my future. What do I want to major in? Where should I go to college? I have so many interests and passions that it becomes difficult to narrow it down to just one or two. With a heart for justice and a knack for computers, I could be very happy in computer-related criminal justice. I'm passionate about history, and the people of the past who shaped our present. I pour myself into music for hours every day, and I could have some hefty scholarships if I work hard this next year.

I'm a bit overwhelmed. Not only do I have to figure out what I'm going to do in the future, but I want to maintain a healthy relationship with my family. After seeing both my brothers go through a period of "teen angst" and sometimes feeling a little rebellious myself, I have to be in constant prayer to keep up a respectful, loving acquaintance with my parents and siblings. I don't want to become an angry, distant teen.

So Jeremiah 29:11 is extremely relevant right now. I just wish that knowledge of the "hope and a future" weren't so elusive.

Another promise I cling to is Isaiah 30:21, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" I don't think God meant that we would be hearing an actual voice shouting, "Hey, you're going the wrong way! Turn around!" I think He meant more of a quiet, gentle urging. I think He meant He would speak through our circumstances and the people around us. Through His Word, His people, and His Spirit, He can lead us along the path we are supposed to walk down.

But even when we have someone telling us what to do and where to go, we don't always go there. One of two things can happen: Either God, who is with us in the "car" of life, tells us which way to turn, but we think that turning the other way looks much more pleasant. So we ignore Him and go our own way, just to find ruin and sadness at the end of the road. Or, we spend some time with God, get our directions, and run off and leave Him at home. But everybody knows that even the best directions can be misread. Without Him guiding us as we go along, we're much more likely to get lost. We need Him to be with us at every moment, directing us at every intersection. We can't get some direction, then leave Him behind.

So I would urge you to tune into what God is saying to you today. It may not be a momentous, life-changing decision, but it could very well impact you or somebody else. Listen to the advice of the godly people around you. Read God's Word and pray for direction to understand what He's trying to say to you through the Bible. And never forget the still, small voice that is God's gift to you. It will never leave you, though you can tune it out. Don't let that happen. Even if it feels like you can't see a foot in front of you, God still knows where you're going. Just trust Him to guide you around the dangers and to lead you into light. You don't have to see the whole picture at once; after all, what would be the mystery in that? Listen with all your heart to what God has to say. He has a hope and a future for you, and He doesn't want you to miss it.