Battlements of Rubies

A Joyless Generation

2009-09-27T11:07:00.002-06:00

Earlier this week, sitting in my literature class, we started discussing whether or not chasing happiness is futile. Is joy merely a phantom? Is euphoria, or temporary and fleeting pleasure, all we can expect until circumstances rob us of our happiness?

One young woman, for whom I have been praying earnestly, ended a long, sad story about the impossibility of happiness by saying, “Life is disappointment after disappointment after disappointment, and that’s all we can expect from it.”

Sadly, many of my classmates agreed with her. My eyes filled with tears as I studied the girl’s face, so proud of the popularity of her point, but with another emotion hidden behind dark, intelligent eyes: a stifling hopelessness.

I had to bite my lip to keep from blurting out, “Joy is not a phantom! It doesn’t have to slip out of your grasp just as you seem to reach it. It doesn’t have to be just around the corner. It can be right now, whatever your circumstances. Even if the entire world falls, you can still have joy!”

If I had told them, how many would have believed me? How many would have wanted to know about the hope I have in Christ? How many would have cynically written off my declaration as “acting happy”, but not being truly joyful? Would the teacher have understood? Would she have cut me off and said, “Let’s stay within the realm of the text,” as she has so many times before?

I’ll never know. My mouth remained closed, my eyes brimming as I listened to high school students who believe they will never, ever be happy.

But how can I keep quiet when there is so much hopelessness in these students? What does it matter if it’s relevant to the text? What does it matter if the author never mentioned God – why can’t I? God is relevant to everything, and I am getting so frustrated with being forced to keep quiet. With being cut off. With being told that my point doesn’t apply. It makes me want to cry, and I do cry. How can I not cry for a broken world who may never be given the chance to hear the Word of God, because those who would speak up are told to be quiet? When did God’s Name become taboo?

God blessed me in spite of my silence, and He gave me the opportunity to talk with this girl about how God delights in us, quiets us with His love, and will hold our hand and walk with us through everything we go through. I did it in an academically-related context, so she wouldn’t feel threatened, or feel that I was preaching to her. But if I could have without frightening her away, I would have cried with her and told her that her circumstances are nothing compared to God’s mighty power.

If I could have, if I could have spoken uninterrupted, I would have told my class that “with [God] is the fountain of life; in [His] light we see light” (Psalm 36:9). Meaning no matter the darkness that surrounds us, in God’s bright light, in His radiance, light will shine into our circumstances. I would have shared that, “When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy” (Psalm 94:19). That the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, and peace. And I would have told them that there is a God who is willing to take their hand, and show them beauty from pain.

I would ask, I would plead with you, that you would be praying fervently for two things: First, for the courage of the Christians in public places to be unafraid to speak their mind, and to share Christ with a lost and dying world. For He called all to be with Him. He chose each and every one of us when we were created. He’s waiting for the world to choose Him. And secondly, please pray for our generation. Pray for those who believe happiness is something unattainable, that will be approached, but never reached. Pray for a hope to be planted in their hearts. And pray for the circumstances they are in, that make them think this way, to be redeemed, that they would be the means of drawing these people to Christ.

“Let him bury his face in the dust – there may yet be hope.” (Lamentations 3:29)

Everyday Beautiful

2009-09-12T14:43:00.005-06:00

I've envied her my whole life. Peaches and cream complexion. A round face framed by light brown hair that glows golden when the sun shines on it. A nose that's not too big, not too small, and slightly turned up just at the tip. Deep brown eyes and thick, long lashes.

Of course, I'm talking about myself. Myself on a good day. Myself, the way I look about once a year, and usually on a day that nobody sees me but my family.

I don't really mind the way I look on a daily basis. That's not what this entry is about. It's just that about once a year, I look in the mirror and understand that at that moment, I am beautiful. And I don't get that feeling every day.

I've envied her my whole life. Quiet and respectful, but not afraid to speak up for what's right. Gentle and considerate of everyone she sees. A smile for everyone, no matter how odious. A girl with a deep, abiding peace and joy that overflows onto the people around her.

That's me, too. On a good day. Once a year. Usually with no one but my family around to see how completely in love with God I am at the moment.

And I do have a problem with not being that way every day.

The Bible says God never leaves us or forsakes us. If that's the case, why do we sometimes act like He's not around? Why do we doubt His presence, or ignore His commands?

I think it's because we walk away from Him. Something else captures our attention. We see something we want, are distracted by something shiny, and we forget we have a marvelous, amazing, adoring God who wants to hold our hand and walk with us. We simply turn and are no longer basking in His glory. The Son is no longer shining in our hearts.

And how do we fix it? Jeremiah tells us that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. So let us draw near to Him. Even when we don't want to, and something else seems better, realize that it's not. Jesus is the only thing we need. He is beautiful every day. He always wants to be near us.

So let us fall more and more in love with Him! Pray for a deeper adoration of Christ. A pure and holy passion, a magnificent obsession with Him. And the more you learn of Him, I promise -- the more you will want more of Him. And from Him shines a beauty that does not fade. That is visible every day.

Jesus does not work in our lives on just one day a year. He is there every day. He will make you beautiful every day. Just ask Him to.

When Thou Saidst

2009-09-07T15:00:00.002-06:00

I have a strong, severe, crippling fear of going back to school. Not because I'm afraid of the work. Not because I don't like getting up early (though I don't). The reason I am afraid of going back to school is that I'm terrified I will lose God in the hustle and bustle.

It's happened the past few years. Each day, I get so caught up in assignments and friends and the drama that comes along with high school, that I forget to pray. I drift farther and farther away from God every day, until I sink into depression. And to be excruciatingly honest, that depression almost made me into a cutter one year.

I do not want that to happen this year.

I have been praying with all my heart that I would never let go of God's hand. And when I do, I'm praying He'll still hold mine, and pull me back. I'm praying that I would feel His love so keenly, so wonderfully, that I would never be able to walk away. That every moment of every day would be spent with Him. That I wouldn't drift. That...

Okay, so I've been praying so hard that it seems almost impossible I could forget to pray again. But it's happened before. So I'm going to start a new routine, start getting some accountability, and making everything in my world revolve around my relationship with God -- instead of my relationship with Him depending on what's happening in my world.

He formed the stars. He shaped the mountains. He holds the entire world in His hands -- He can hold me.

Psalm 27:8 declares, "When thou saidst, 'Seek ye my face'; my heart said unto thee, 'Thy face, LORD, will I seek.'" I will begin every day by choosing to see God at work. I will begin every day with a prayer. I will walk with God through my day, and end it with Him. This is my declaration, my earnest cry to God.

Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

A Justified God

2009-08-19T10:22:00.005-06:00

John Milton, the author of Paradise Lost, wrote that his goal in writing this epic poem was to "justify the ways of God to man."

Guess what. God didn't need Milton's help to be justified. God doesn't need anyone's help to justify Him. He can do it just fine on His own.

Last night, I had a little run-in with God. I read something in Scripture that I believed contradicted what I thought God's nature was. My journal was filled with angry ramblings, such as, "If that's who You are, I don't want to serve a God like that." My journal entry ended with tears and a demand that God justify Himself to me.

Don't ever ask Him to do that unless you really, truly want Him to.

This morning, I was going about my everyday activities, putting ice in a glass for my water and getting ready to make a birthday cake. And my mom turned on an online sermon. With my hand in the freezer, the rest of me froze as I heard the pastor address the specific question I'd had. I felt all tingly as he explained, pointing the listener back to an all-knowing, all-loving God.

Of course, it was the pastor talking, but I knew that God was talking directly to me. What made my mom turn on that teaching this morning? She almost never listens to this man unless we're having home church. Was it pure coincidence that I was in the kitchen this morning because I had a cake to make? I think not!

I've heard stories of people asking God to prove Himself, and His response. I experienced that this morning. God justified Himself. He didn't ask me to do it for Him. He spoke through somebody I've never even met. I could've jumped around and shouted and danced for joy, because in that moment I was more certain than I have ever been, He is good! He answers prayer! He is real! And I can never forget that.

Don't flippantly ask Him to justify Himself. If you don't need Him justified in a certain way, what's the point of asking? But the next time you have a huge question about Him, and about His goodness and love and omnipotence, go ahead and ask Him. He can take it. And He will amaze you with His response.

Unconditional Obedience

2009-08-12T12:27:00.007-06:00

Recently, I have been spending much more time with God. I wake up and read a Psalm in the morning, then journal my thoughts; at night, I do the same with a chapter from Romans. I have loved these times so much, that I wonder why I never did it before. It refreshes me so much to spend time with God! My prayer journal is quickly filling, much more rapidly than it ever has before.

And something that I've been discovering while God reveals His wishes to me, is that there can be no "but"s in our prayers. "I love You, Lord, but..." "I surrender, God, but..." "Have Your way, but not with..." I reread an entry in which I had penned the words, "I choose You, God, but..." But what? But my way is better? I think not! "I choose You, no matter what!" That should have been my prayer, my declaration.

I have been asking God what He wants me to do with my life. And I think He's told me. I can't tell you how I know. But as I was praying, listening to music, and reading both the Bible and a Christian book, I knew what I was supposed to do. And I'm pretty sure this dream comes from God and not my own selfish desires, because it is the exact profession about which I told my parents, not more than a month ago, "I will never do that." When it first came to me, that was my response again. I came to God with all my excuses: "But I'm not strong enough. But my heart can't take that. But I'll fail. But I'll let You down."

And He replied, "Yes, you will. You will fail without Me. But I am greater than you, and I will carry you."

And somehow, that odious profession is now incredibly near and dear to my heart. First, though, I had to lay down my will. I had to give up my dreams for God's dreams. Unconditionally. No, "Here's my will, but don't change my mind about what I want to do. I'd like to handle that part, please." No, "I give You all of me...but don't make me do that." Just, "I choose You."

Will you choose Him today? Will you give up your will for His, even if it means shattering dreams that have been near to your heart for years? Will you exchange your plan and the life you wanted for the life He wants? He won't let you walk blindly. He'll take your hand, and when you're too weak, He'll carry you. He promises us unconditional love; let's give Him unconditional obedience.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." -Psalm 48:14

The God Who Hears

2009-08-05T13:07:00.004-06:00

Every day, people in Japan gather at Miyajima Island to worship and to pray. As they worship, they bow to someone who is not there. When they pray, they pray to a nonexistent deity. Or they pay to pray by writing their request, taking a number, and opening a drawer that contains their answer. Then they tie the prayer to a rail, where they hope that their purchased answer will come to pass.

Can you imagine anything more heartbreaking?

The people of Japan are broken, are dying, and they need a hero and a Savior. They know that something is missing, and they long to fill that void. They search, they beg, they pray -- but they pray to wood and stone, or to the empty air. They give up their money to write out a prayer to someone who will never hear them. They bow to an empty room, cry to someone who cannot dry their tears.

My heart breaks for these people like nothing I've ever felt before. They long to be filled, yet they are faced with emptiness. The evil one works in the hearts of the Japanese, trying to claim them for his own. But there is One who can draw them to Him. There is One who hears when they cry out, One who cries when they cry. He longs to fill them. He longs to be their everything. He wants them to know that if they pray to Him, their prayers will not be in vain. Talking with Him is not something that can be purchased. His answers don't come in a numbered drawer that is selected at random. His responses are personalized, they are special, they are for the person who prays. They are part of His plan. He doesn't need them to be tied to a rail so that He can hear them. He just needs them to be spoken to Him so that He can step in and answer. He wants to hear them so much. He wants them to feel His love.

Our God hears the people of Japan! His heart breaks when they look for fulfillment from an idol. He weeps when an island, which is the tiniest fraction of His beauty, is proclaimed a deity. He wants them to know, He is the Lord! He can fill them, He can love them!

He is God, the only God who hears. He is the only One who can answer. And I long for everyone to know that. They may be filled with something when they worship a false god, but it will not be the all-consuming love of God. It is not what they need; it is not from the Lord. It will leave them. God will never fail them, never abandon them.

Please join me in my pleading for the Japanese people. Pray for the few Christians -- less than 1% of the population -- in Japan. Lord, give them boldness to proclaim You. Let the hearts of those throughout the world desire to share Your love. Let them know that You are the God who hears. Speak through us, Lord, and let the whole world know Your glory!

A Hope and a Future

2009-07-23T09:58:00.012-06:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

That is a verse that every dreamer clings to. And nearly everyone I know around my age is a dreamer. We all want to know the plans God has for us, and when we can't see them or understand them, that verse is a precious comfort. We know that no matter what, He will do what is best for us. All we have to do is follow where He leads.

But that's a problem for me. How do I know where God is leading? What am I supposed to do with my life? I read His Word, and I listen to the council of those around me, but I still sometimes feel that I'm walking in a dark room with just an occasional glimpse a few feet ahead of me.

Entering my junior year, I'm beginning to be required to make decisions about my future. What do I want to major in? Where should I go to college? I have so many interests and passions that it becomes difficult to narrow it down to just one or two. With a heart for justice and a knack for computers, I could be very happy in computer-related criminal justice. I'm passionate about history, and the people of the past who shaped our present. I pour myself into music for hours every day, and I could have some hefty scholarships if I work hard this next year.

I'm a bit overwhelmed. Not only do I have to figure out what I'm going to do in the future, but I want to maintain a healthy relationship with my family. After seeing both my brothers go through a period of "teen angst" and sometimes feeling a little rebellious myself, I have to be in constant prayer to keep up a respectful, loving acquaintance with my parents and siblings. I don't want to become an angry, distant teen.

So Jeremiah 29:11 is extremely relevant right now. I just wish that knowledge of the "hope and a future" weren't so elusive.

Another promise I cling to is Isaiah 30:21, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" I don't think God meant that we would be hearing an actual voice shouting, "Hey, you're going the wrong way! Turn around!" I think He meant more of a quiet, gentle urging. I think He meant He would speak through our circumstances and the people around us. Through His Word, His people, and His Spirit, He can lead us along the path we are supposed to walk down.

But even when we have someone telling us what to do and where to go, we don't always go there. One of two things can happen: Either God, who is with us in the "car" of life, tells us which way to turn, but we think that turning the other way looks much more pleasant. So we ignore Him and go our own way, just to find ruin and sadness at the end of the road. Or, we spend some time with God, get our directions, and run off and leave Him at home. But everybody knows that even the best directions can be misread. Without Him guiding us as we go along, we're much more likely to get lost. We need Him to be with us at every moment, directing us at every intersection. We can't get some direction, then leave Him behind.

So I would urge you to tune into what God is saying to you today. It may not be a momentous, life-changing decision, but it could very well impact you or somebody else. Listen to the advice of the godly people around you. Read God's Word and pray for direction to understand what He's trying to say to you through the Bible. And never forget the still, small voice that is God's gift to you. It will never leave you, though you can tune it out. Don't let that happen. Even if it feels like you can't see a foot in front of you, God still knows where you're going. Just trust Him to guide you around the dangers and to lead you into light. You don't have to see the whole picture at once; after all, what would be the mystery in that? Listen with all your heart to what God has to say. He has a hope and a future for you, and He doesn't want you to miss it.

To Be With You

2009-07-06T12:04:00.004-06:00

I just sat here for about five minutes staring at that ominously blinking cursor. You know, the one that says, "You have nothing to say. Why are you sitting here?" without even making any noise.

I hate that cursor. And a lot of times, I hate it when I have nothing to say. But there are a few times that I think being at a loss for words is a good thing. When we close our mouths and open our hearts and just listen, that's when we learn. That's when we grow. That's when we're truly walking with God.

Micah 6:8 says, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." This verse speaks to my heart in a different way every time I hear it. And this time, it whispers to me, I want to walk with you.

That's what God wants. He doesn't need our fancy prayers, or our large donations, or our high-and-mighty friends. He wants our hearts to be close to His. He wants to be with us! Can you imagine?? The God of the universe calls out to us, "I will quiet you with My love, I will rejoice over you with singing!"

This is a difficult concept for me to grasp. I was sitting in my church's balcony yesterday, looking down over all the people who were there to worship, and thinking, There's no way He could notice me among all of them. They're better than I am; they seek Him more faithfully; they love Him more fully; they serve Him more diligently. But He is the God who rules over all, and He can stop the world and just spend time with me. The hand that holds the world holds my hand, too!

All that is required of us along our walk is to humble ourselves. We simply need to lower our heads, so that He can lift them. We only need to acknowledge that He is greater, and we are lesser. He is our strength and our song. When we hunger and thirst after Him, He will fill us up!

Take a moment and let the cursor blink. Close your eyes and give your heart to your Heavenly Father who will never let you down or let you go. Because while He fills your heart with peace and joy, you're giving God the best present you can give.

A Breaking Heart

2009-06-23T19:05:00.008-06:00

This week, I am helping out with my church's Vacation Bible School. I'm a second grade counselor, and have been having the time of my life trying to control thirty-four rowdy seven- and eight-year-olds!

There is one boy in particular who has been breaking my heart. For the sake of this post, I'll call him Evan (not his real name).

I'd been having trouble with Evan all day. He had come with a friend, and the two of them would not stop talking. With a look at the friend, he would be quiet, but Evan would continue to whisper loudly. We clashed quite a lot this morning, over seemingly small things -- nametags, sitting up straight, pencils, screaming...

But after music time, after the rest of the second grade had left and I was about to follow, I saw the friend standing in the pew behind me. "Why won't Evan get up?" he asked me, looking down at the floor.

I told him to run along and I would get Evan. I quickly ascertained that there was nothing wrong with Evan; he had just decided not to obey the teacher. Assuming he was simply being his rebellious and troublesome self, I stood over him for a minute, just looking down at him. He glanced at me, then hid his head under the pew, sighing heavily.

"What's up?" I asked. There was no response.

I offered my hand, and to my surprise he let himself be pulled up. "Let's catch up with the others," I suggested, and he followed me out of the sanctuary back towards our room.

"Are you feeling okay?" I asked while we walked, noticing that he seemed unusually quiet. And despite his dislike for me, he was holding tightly to my hand.

After a very long pause, he said, "It's just, I always feel weak whenever I'm in a church. It happens every time."

I didn't know what to make of that. Was it simply an excuse for his misbehavior? Was he unused to being in a church, and young as he was, frightened that he would be judged? Isn't that a symptom of being possessed?

I had positively no idea what to do, regardless of which explanation was correct. So I did what came naturally. Before we rejoined the class, I led him into a quiet corner and asked, "Would you like to pray about it?"

Still holding my hand, he looked at me like I'd gone crazy. "What?"

"We can pray that you wouldn't feel weak when you're in a church."

He avoided eye contact and looked out the window. "I don't care."

"You don't have to pray," I assured him, "but do you mind if I do?"

He shrugged, which I took as a yes. I began to pray for Evan, that God would infuse Him with strength -- because He is the strongest being there ever was or will be. I prayed that Evan would be filled with the joy of God's presence whenever he came into His house. It was short, it was simple, but when I said "Amen," Evan was standing up a little straighter.

We didn't clash for the rest of the day. When he was upset about something later in the day, he came to me and leaned his head against me.

I don't know much about Evan's background. I do know that his parents do not come to our church, though I've no idea if they go to another. But when he told me what was wrong, regardless of the reasons, my heart broke a little for him.

Who knows if I'll see Evan again after this week. But I will continue to pray for him. I hope that as small as what I did was, that it touched him in some little way. And I pray that my heart would continue to break for those who are like him, so that I never forget to intercede on their behalf.

I would love for you to pray with me.

My Heart's Desire

2009-05-30T13:30:00.006-06:00

A few years ago, I wrote a poem about God being my heart's one desire. The only thing I needed, the One I loved above everything else.

A few months ago, I found the video of Lifehouse's "Everything" skit, which declared over and over, "You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything -- everything," and declared that it changed my life.

Last night, I realized I am a horrible hypocrite.

My cousin had moved into my room for a few days while another family member occupied her bed. We didn't talk much, we didn't giggle too long at night, but we were both comforted by the other's presence. Last night, she left to return to her room. This seems like no big deal, but when she told me, "I'm going back to my room," I had a little moment of sadness. I'm very isolated in the basement at night, and it's wonderful to have another person there, who, even when you don't avail yourself of the opportunity, you are always able to talk to.

That's what my relationship with God has been like. He's there, and I'm there, but we really don't say anything. Or He does, and I'm already asleep because I'm worn out from emotionally draining days. That's not what I want! If He were to leave, which I know He won't, I don't want to say that all we did was sit there. I want to say that we talked long into the night, that we laughed and we cried together, and that He rocked me to sleep.

He should be the only desire of my heart. When He is, everything else will fall into place. The Bible tells us, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." If our only desire is for Him, we will be filled to the brim with His love and His presence.

God, You are my desire. You are the One I want to long after. Take my hand, don't let it go. I want You, and only You.

Looking Back

2009-05-13T18:21:00.000-06:00

I just realized it's been more than a year since I began blogging. I think I've had maybe six or seven regular visitors (thank you!) and a few more intermittent ones. Regardless, I am very happy to have had this experience.

Also, there are less than two weeks left of school. Less than two weeks! Do you realize how amazing that is? It feels like just yesterday my history teacher said, "Good morning, my name is Mr..." It feels like just yesterday that we were counting down to Christmas break. My goodness, it feels like yesterday we were just getting out of the 2007-2008 school year!

Time does move fast. It moves so fast, that looking back, I can't remember who I was last September (I really should keep a diary more regularly!). I don't know how much I've changed. But I do know I have changed.

Do you remember at the beginning of the year, I wrote a post entitled "Live"? I urged you to regard each moment as precious, given to you by God to do with whatever will shine His light. I wanted so, so badly to do that! I wanted to be a beautiful reflection. I didn't want to be that "audience to my own life", waiting for every moment to be over so that I could move on to the next.

I believe I've done that this year. I've tried to live every single moment, viewing it as something to be treasured. I have committed to trying to be less sarcastic and more helpful. I've tried to be more sunny, upbeat, optimistic. And I've done it, but not of my own strength. No, I had help. Our God is amazing, isn't He? He can take a broken instrument like me and use me for His glory. I find that incredible. I'm flawed, He's perfect, but still He uses me to live this life and shine His love.

How about you? How have you changed this year? Think back over your feelings towards the beginning of the year, versus your feelings now. Analyze your reactions.

Looking back over this year, which went by in little more than a blink -- have you lived?

Beautiful

2009-05-04T16:03:00.002-06:00

I was convicted today: I'm beautiful. You're beautiful. Everyone is beautiful, as long as they have Jesus in their heart!

That may sound like an overly simple announcement, but how often do you really, really remember that you are gorgeous? You are! I promise you! As long as you trust Jesus, nobody can take away the beauty that glows from the inside out.

This may be a very short post, but who cares? It's a short message, and you need to hear it. I don't care if you 5,000,000 pounds. (Okay, I do care, that's unhealthy!) But the point is, you are a lovely child of God, and no matter what, you will be His beautiful Princess or Prince.

I love y'all!

Hypothetically...

2009-03-29T17:11:00.007-06:00

...What if we were all floating brains?

Seriously. We live in a culture obsessed with looks. We find something to criticize about ourselves every day (at least I do). Admit it, you wake up in the morning and occasionally think, "If only my eyebrow arched about twenty degrees more"...or something like that.

What if we were all floating brains? (This is hypothetical, so don't go saying that brains can't communicate or eat.) If we only based our opinions off intellect, personality, and other purely brain-ish qualities, what would life be like?

I would like to think that we would all be much happier. Brains don't get fat (I hope). Brains don't worry about what they have to wear the next day. There might be no obsession with looks, no superiority complexes regarding who's taller, and about thirty minutes away from the mirror (and in bed!).

But if we still kept our humanity, which I'm sure we would, wouldn't there be new things to lose self-esteem about? It wouldn't be anything as foolish as "My right lobe is bigger than your right lobe!", I hope, but self-esteem would now be based on smarts rather than looks.

People sometimes say they wish they didn't have to deal with their appearance, and they would never feel bad. I would beg to differ. There is only one way we can ever feel totally secure in ourselves. We must find our identity in the God who created us. As long as we rely on Him and lose ourselves in His love, instead of what other people think, it won't matter whether we're giant brains or giant zucchini or just human. God created us in His image -- we should take care of our bodies, but we should remember that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. God gave us the ability to learn -- we should respect it and learn as much as we can, but realize that each person has different gifts.

Spend a little time with your Creator if you find yourself believing the lie that your identity is in what you look like or what you can or can't do. Your identity is in Him and Him alone.

And His right lobe is so much bigger than yours.

Reflections

2009-03-11T16:22:00.003-06:00

Hey, Everybody!

I'm really sorry for my lack of posting -- I've been really busy with musical stuff. I'm having a fun time trying to be mean. It's harder than it looks. Seriously. Anyway, onto the post!

Every morning, we drive by a tall building with glass windows. They're the kind you can see out of, but not into. We go by there just as the sun is coming up, and without fail, since I'm always looking out the window, I catch a glance of the reflection of the sun. And even though it's "only" a reflection of something everybody knows is really too bright to look at, it's still just as bright and just as blinding.

This really spoke to me this morning. We may think we're not good enough to reflect Christ -- we're not bright enough. We don't shine enough for Him. But that reflecion is just as bright! We can show Jesus off anyday; He's never shrouded in a cloud. If anything, we're the cloud. People can see Jesus through us!

Of course, what happens if the window is dirty? There's no reflection whatsoever, or if there is, it's very dim. That's when we need to ask our Lord to clean us up and forgive us of our sins. If we're dirty, we can't shine His light to the world and point people back to the true source of all light.

So today, think about "cleaning up" your life and reflecting God to the best of your ability. He died for you -- you can shine His love!

Just One Moment

2009-02-15T15:21:00.004-07:00

I hate Time. Time is one of my worst enemies. Either it moves too fast, or it moves too slowly. It brings things I would avoid forever into existence, it keeps things I'm excited for a moment out of reach. Most often, I find that it has flown by and I haven't even noticed.

I used to be homeschooled. Every morning around ten o'clock, my mom and I would curl up in the living room and have our Bible study. In the winter, this usually included hot chocolate, the fireplace, and a blanket. It was my favorite part of the day, sitting and discussing God's precious Word with one of the most godly women I know.

Then I started public school, and all that changed. My mom and I get this time maybe once a month, usually if I'm sick. This saddens me, because now it means I usually don't get a Bible study at all. It used to be that I could drink in what God had to say to me every single day. Now, by the time I'm finished with homework and have nothing pressing, I'm too tired to sit down and spend time with God.

Is Jesus ever too tired to spend time with me? No! That's ridiculous! So should I ever be too tired to sit with Him and hear from Him? No, but I am. I tell myself I am, and I go to bed usually not having talked to God for more than five minutes, and that's on a good day. And I find that when I don't take the time to bare my heart to my Best Friend, I end up more tired.

It's a foolish notion that going to bed instead of talking to Jesus will make me more energetic. There's tons of verses in the Bible that contradict that idea. Here's just one: "The LORD replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" (Exodus 33:14) God's Presence itself is what brings rest, so I should be going out of my way to hear from Him! God knows we need rest. That's why He created the Sabbath. But the ultimate rest is found in Him. Not a ten-hour night's sleep. Not a movie marathon. Him.

I've made a resolution to spend at least five minutes with God every day. I'll find a short study or read through a book of the Bible. Whatever I do, I'll be consistent, and I'll ask God to help me be faithful in this. Whether it be before I go to bed, at lunchtime at school, or in-between time on stage at musical practice, it really doesn't matter. That's yet another amazing thing about God -- it doesn't matter where you are. He's always there with you.

It takes a lifetime to really get to know God. It takes just one moment to be refreshed by Him. Can you sacrifice that one moment?

Yay!

2009-02-12T16:34:00.002-07:00

I'm a stepsister! I'm the wonderfully sarcastic one. Those of you who know me know what a perfect fit this is for me. :)

Thank you so much for praying -- and let this serve as proof that we can trust God with anything, even something as insignificant as the part you want in a musical.

Now We Wait...

2009-02-11T17:54:00.003-07:00

...until tomorrow morning. I had a callback today (the only sophomore among amazing juniors and seniors). I don't know exactly how it went, because obviously, just because you get a callback doesn't mean you're getting a part. I am honored to have been the only underclassman to have gotten one, though.

So, I will let you all know tomorrow! (Or the day after, depending on my schedule.) I had the time of my life today, so whether or not I get a part, I had an amazing time just auditioning. I love this stuff. If only it didn't stress me quite so much...

*Sigh* Two such drama-filled days! Thank you to everyone who has prayed. (My other drama is described over at His Waiting Princess.) Tomorrow, and then everything shall be calm again, until the next thing starts!

Impossible?

2009-02-09T15:52:00.004-07:00

I'm back with another "please-pray-for-my-impending audition" post. It seems like I write these a lot... but actually, I guess it's been almost six months since I wrote the last one. (Madrigal performances were amazing, by the way, thanks to everyone who prayed over that one.) My next one is tomorrow, and yep, you guessed it, I'm sick. I also had the worst case of insomnia ever last night and was up till quarter past one. I'm home from school today. :)

This time it's for my school's musical: Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella! How fun is that? I'm fully convinced that since I'm not yet a junior or senior, I'll be in the chorus and have the time of my life. But still, I'd like to do well at my audition. At least I have a voice this time -- it's just painful to speak, much less sing.

So please pray!

Always New

2009-01-25T09:41:00.003-07:00

One of my favorite songs is by Vicki Beeching, called "The Wonder of the Cross." It's message speaks to me so clearly, especially since I am one of those people who tends to forget what Jesus did for me or take it for granted.

May I never lose the wonder, the wonder of the cross
May I see it as the first time, standing as a sinner lost

Isn't that beautiful? In this distracting world, I want to sit every once in a while -- more than that, actually -- and just marvel at what Jesus did for me. Because it is amazing. I don't know how I could be so inclined to take His sacrifice for granted. He gave up so much -- and asked nothing in return. Nothing!! And still I sit here, having not picked up my Bible in days, not having thought about Him deeper than an, "Oh, I should pray" sort of thought, wondering why I'm so spiritually dry. He didn't ask for anything but our lives so that He could make them whole and beautiful, and I can't even give Him that! He can make me unafraid, but I won't give Him my fears. He can make me new, but I won't give Him my imperfections.

Why?

For me, it all comes down to losing the wonder of the Cross. When I no longer stand in wide-eyed amazement, I no longer possess the power that was given me there. When I've lost sight of the strength of His sacrifice, I lose my own strength.

So, I come back to the Cross. I give everything back. It was never mine to begin with. I messed it up -- God, I give it to You to put back together.

Everything

2009-01-02T15:14:00.003-07:00

You may have seen that video before. Even so, I'd ask you to watch it again. It's one of the most powerful things I've seen in such a long time. It struck me so hard that once we start to fight for God, He will step in -- and fight for us. I was flat on my face because of that video. I think I've seen it seven times now, and I still get chills every time! Even my dad, who hates interpretive dance, got choked up by that.

So watch it again. Cry a little. Bask in the knowledge that when everything holds you back, He is everything. And He will fight for you.

Sing You There

2009-01-01T09:06:00.004-07:00

Happy New Year, my fellow bloggers! 2009 holds a promise I've never felt with any other year: I rededicated myself to Jesus last night and cannot wait to see what He has in store for me this year!

On a more serious (or uplifting) note. Last year, I remember exactly where I was right after I got up. I was in my old room, and I was walking down the hall on my way to the bathroom. My dad stopped me with a hug, pushed me back, and said, "Aunt Annette died last night."

That's one of those moments you never, ever forget. After you've battled with somebody for so long, to hear that while the rest of the world rejoiced in the new year, she was rejoicing in her new heavenly home -- I can still remember that even though it looks cheesy on TV, my hands flew up to my mouth to cover a little gasp.

The next few days were hard as Katie and Faith (Aunt Nettie's daughters) moved in with us and adjusted to a completely new home.

My mom recently shared with me what happened at 4:00 on January 1st, 2008. She said that the only thing which made Aunt Annette more comfortable was to be sung to. So, she sang. She sang until all hours. She said she knew she wasn't a very good singer, but from the way Aunt Annette smiled, she believed the angels were singing along with her.

You need to give Him praise
Now, more than ever
'Cause soon you'll be
Singing His praise forever
I don't know
How long you'll be here
But while you are
My voice will be near
I'll sing you there
I'll sing you to His throne
I'll sing you there
I'll sing until you're home
I'll sing you there
I'm sorry my
Voice isn't filled with beauty
But I trust
The angels are singing with me
They'll sing you there
They'll sing you to His throne
They'll sing you there
They'll sing until you're home
They'll sing you there
The journey's through
The race has been run
He looks at you
And smiles, and says "Well done"
He sang you there
He sang you to His throne
He sang you there
He sang, and now you're home
He sang you there

Happy first birthday in Heaven, Aunt Annette. We love you and miss you so much. One day we'll all sing together!

Sine Tuo Numine

2008-12-20T08:40:00.003-07:00

Last Friday, our Madrigal Choir took its annual tour of our town. We sang at schools, restaurants, etc., but my personal favorite was our second to last stop: The local hospital.

For those of you who don't know, my aunt entered the hospital for the last time a week ago last year. She came home on Christmas Eve and died on New Year's of lung cancer at the age of forty-six. My mom spent the two weeks before Christmas with her every day, so singing in the hospital for the families of the patients had special meaning for me: Last year, this was us.

Usually throughout the day we sang our more upbeat songs: Christmas carols and songs about spindles. :) However, as we stood in the cafeteria, for whatever reason our Madrigal queen chose for us to sing our prayer (which is in Latin).

O blessed spirit,
Fill the center of the hearts of Your faithful.
Without Your grace,
there is nothing in man,
nothing is innocent.

As I stood there singing that piece in my gorgeous dress with the two-foot sleeves, it hit me so suddenly: Without Him, there is nothing. Nothing!! Everything will fade in time, but He will remain. No matter our circumstances. No matter what's going on in our life, even that will fade. It may be that He chooses to take us home to end it -- but He is there. Always. Infinite. I almost cried as I was singing those lines, realizing He is everything. The world can crash, and He will still hold me.

Sine tuo numine, nihil est in homine.

Without His grace, there is nothing in us. We will shatter, we will break, but He remains. Next time you feel weak, next time you feel hopeless, thank Him for his omnipresence. Thank Him for His grace, and ask Him to wrap you in His strong arms and carry you through any difficult season and hold your hand through the joyous times.

I love Christmas. But I know there are so many people who celebrate the gifts, and the tree, and the food, and God is left out of the picture. Please, this Christmas season, make it an effort to reach those people. Without God, and without the Baby in a manger -- there is nothing in us.

Scratch That...

2008-12-13T17:12:00.002-07:00

I'm sorry, but it turns out my schedule will not permit me to post very much at all. I'll be lucky if I get another story out at all before Christmas Eve. I'm very sorry! My brain just isn't being creative in that way right now. So, terribly sorry, but there probably won't be another post until Christmas.

Thanks for understanding, and please pray for me -- these last two weeks of school are incredibly stressful. I barely have time to myself, and when I do, I'm too tired to do any Bible study. I'm really leaning on prayer, so I would appreciate yours!

A Christmas Story: Abigail

2008-12-07T18:54:00.003-07:00

I love to write, as if ya’ll couldn’t tell. I love to write almost anything, but I mostly blog (lucky you!) and write stories (not so lucky you, I’ll never let you read most of them). However, in the spirit of Christmas, I have decided to do a combination of both. I’ll write a couple modern Christmas stories, and I’ll dream a little and wonder what it would have been like, back in Nazareth and Bethlehem, the year Jesus was born, especially for Mary, her friends, and the people she, Joseph, and Jesus met. I’ll try to post one a week, probably over the weekend, until Christmas, and I’ll post the last one on Christmas Eve (it’s already written and typed up, so I’ll just have to click "Publish" and not take away from my time with my family). Anyway, that means there will be four stories total (two Biblical, two modern). I hope you enjoy meeting the characters in my head, and I hope it inspires you to become all you can and worship our Savior Jesus Christ with all you have this Christmas season.
~~~~~~~~~~
Abigail reached behind her and rubbed her sore shoulders delicately. She squinted up at the setting sun and half-smiled. Another long day working in the fields was over, though it had certainly taken its toll.

She tucked a strand of dark-brown hair behind her ear and picked up her full basket. She knew it wasn’t overly heavy, but after a full day, everything felt ten times heavier than it was. She carefully balanced it on her knee to arrange her grip.

"Abby!"

The voice right behind Abigail startled her, and her slight jump caused the basket to fall off her knee and land on the ground. "Mary!" she whined, whirling to face her friend, hands on hips. "Do you know how long it took me to – " She broke off upon seeing Mary’s pale face. "What’s wrong?" she asked quickly, very concerned. Mary had been gone all day. "Are you sick?"

"No," Mary replied, her voice shaking slightly. "But I think I might be."

"What’s going on?"

Mary reached out and grabbed Abigail’s wrist for support. "Abby – I’m pregnant."

Abigail felt her mouth drop open. "Y–you’re what?" She shook off Mary’s wrist and took a step back. "Mary, what did you do?"

"I didn’t do anything!" Mary insisted. "I saw..." Her voice dropped to an awed whisper. "I saw an angel."

"And that means you’re pregnant."

"No! He told me I am. Or will be. I’m not sure if I am right now."

"Oh, I see," Abigail said sarcastically. "Mary, you’re acting crazy. If you go around spreading this story about an angel and a pregnancy, you’re going to ruin your reputation, not to mention Joseph’s. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided not to marry you, even if it is just a story."

"It’s not a story!" Mary insisted. "I really did see the angel!" She put her hand over her stomach. "I’m going to be the mother of God’s Son."

"So Joseph’s a deity now?"

"Abigail!" Mary blushed, both from the heretical question and the disrespectful mention of her betrothed. "Joseph had nothing to do with this."

Abigail threw up her hands. "Even better!"

"Will you calm down so I can explain?" Mary begged. "I promise, I’m just as confused as you are. But I believe with all my heart that what I’m going to tell you really did happen, so please, as fantastic as it sounds, try to believe me."

Abigail looked past Mary with a frown. "Fine."

"My mother needed me at home today because she’s been feeling sick," Mary began. "And I was sitting there doing the mending when I looked up and there was a man dressed in white, shining so brightly. And he told me not to be afraid, and that I would become pregnant through the Holy Spirit and give birth to God’s Son. God’s Son, Abby! What did I do to deserve such an honor?"

"I think you’ve spent a little too much time around the shepherds, Mary. You’re making about as much sense as a sheep."

"It happened, Abigail, I don’t know why or how, but it did."

"If that’s the best story you can come up with, you’re in for a quick stoning and a quicker divorce," Abigail said, beginning to fear for her friend. "You can’t go around saying you got pregnant and the father is...God. Do you know how horrible that sounds?"

"I know, I know. I could probably come up with a much better story, but it wouldn’t be true, Abby."

Abigail grasped Mary’s shoulders. "I want to help, Mary, I really do. But you have to tell me honestly. Is Joseph the father?"

"No. Joseph’s a good man."

"A Roman soldier? It's been happening all too often these days."

"No, it wasn’t a Roman soldier. There’s no man, Abigail. There just isn’t." Mary broke free and walked around, wringing her hands. "Oh, you’re right, I sound crazy. But nothing bad will happen to me. I can’t be killed. If I were going to be killed, God never would’ve picked me. Jesus would die before He was born."

Abigail wrinkled her brow. "Jesus?"

Mary nodded. "That’s what the angel said to call Him." She continued pacing. "What’s the worst that can happen to me?" she mused rhetorically.

Abigail, ever the practical one, responded, "Your family will disown you. You’ll have nowhere to go. And you’ll lose Joseph."

"If I lose my family, at least I’ll have a child. If they cast me out, I’ll go to Elizabeth. The angel told me she was pregnant, too. She’ll believe me."

Abigail, though confused by this last statement, chose to ignore it. "And Joseph?" She knew how Mary felt about her husband-to-be.

Mary paused mid-step, her eyes downcast. "If I lose him, I lose him. My God is worth more than my husband."

"Then you can tell him that. He’s coming this way."

All color fled Mary’s face. "I can’t," she whispered urgently. "I can’t talk to him, Abby, I can’t!"

"Shhh," Abigail soothed. "I’ll handle this. You just stand there and look pretty."

Mary nodded wildly, all but covering her face with her head covering.

"Joseph!" Abigail called across the field. "What are you doing here?"

"Your mother asked me to check on you," his voice came to her. "Shouldn’t you be home by now?"

"We were having a little chat," Abigail explained, lowering her voice as Joseph came closer. "We were just about to head home."

"I’ll walk with you."

Mary let out a little whimper, and a quick glance at her face revealed huge eyes and bright red cheeks. She couldn’t even fulfill her mission of looking pretty. "No," Abigail said quickly. "It’s much too far out of your way."

"It’s really no – "

"Besides, we hadn’t finished our chat," Abigail interrupted. "Thank you for the offer, though. Good night!" She grabbed Mary’s hand and dragged her away, completely ignoring the spilled contents of her basket which still lay on the ground.

"He’ll hate me," Mary said resignedly.

"No, he won’t," Abigail said, her voice anything but certain.

"I won’t be able to hide it for long," Mary said. "But please, Abby, don’t tell anyone. I want to go and visit Elizabeth before I tell anyone. She’ll have advice for me."

Abigail nodded. "I won’t say a word."

"Thank you." Mary squeezed her hand. "I should go home. My mother will be worried."

"Go." Abigail stood still as Mary broke off and started towards her home. It won’t be a home much longer, Abigail thought. Oh, Lord God. I can’t tell if she’s crazy or blessed. But watch over her. She’s so scared. Abigail felt a chill run through her. And if she’s blessed – oh, God, so are we all!

Thank You

2008-11-20T16:48:00.005-07:00

I was going to be a good student and work ahead on school because of a performance tomorrow, but I forgot my homework folder and have no idea what I'm supposed to do. So here I am, blogging again! Yes, yes, thank you... Flowers? For me? :)

Next week is Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure I'll have time to post again before then. So here it is, the mandatory Thanksgiving post.

I have decided to list a few things that I'm thankful for...even if throughout the year I don't thank God for them enough. Because that is what Thanksgiving is all about: Praising God for everything He gives us, not just the stuff we get so excited about every time we hear about it.

My school.
Yeah, my school. I used to hate it. I felt suffocated and was always unhappy. But I have come to realize how absolutely blessed I am. This school's program has actually fit me like a glove. I was just trying to fit two fingers in one of the glove's. So thank you, Lord, for my school. Because of this education, I will be able to serve You better and reach the world with intelligence and knowledge.

My voice.
God has blessed me so much and has given me a voice to sing to Him and praise Him. Funny thing is, singing was never really my "thing". I did church choir, and I even joined a school choir back when I was homeschooled. But it wasn't what I loved to do. Now, as I've grown as a singer, I've grown in my love for the activity and my love for using it to praise God. I write music; I record music; I use music to worship my Almighty Father in heaven who always sings over me with His love.

My family.
I cannot describe how thankful I am for my family. Dad, you lead our family with such strength and humor. I don't know that we would be able to do what we do without you. We certainly would not laugh nearly as much. Mom, you are so sweet, and you always know when I've had a hard day. You are so understanding and have done so much for us. I am so undeserving. Luke, you make me laugh and are always a source of brilliant conversation. I love you, even when you're playing drums really loudly. Cameron, I can't believe this is your last Thanksgiving with us. I will cry so hard at your graduation. You are a sweetheart, and you are going to make some lucky girl very happy one day. I will call you all the time when you're away at college! Katie, three words: Ready...set...STOP!!! You have become the sister I never had, and I am so grateful for you. And you make me laugh, girl, you are hilarious!!! Ducky (aka Faith), you are a darling! You light up my day. I am so proud of the big girl you are becoming. Even though you can't read this, I love you very much.

On this day, and all days, I want to be so grateful. My life is so full. No, it's not perfect, but I have it so, so good. (I know that's bad grammar.) God is so good. Thank You, Heavenly Father, for Your perfect plan. Above everything else, I am thankful for YOU!!!